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You know the old saying, “Wisdom comes from experience, and experience comes from making bad decisions.” So when do we let go and allow our kids to make their own choices? Maybe at the mere thought of that you’re envisioning your child wearing a bright orange shirt with purple shorts and cowboy boots, and you feel yourself cringe. But, in order for kids to learn to solve their own problems and grow “wiser,” you have to give them opportunities.
As the parent it is your job to set parameters in which choices are made. This approach protects your child while he learns to pick and choose. The parameters you set are oftentimes based on a specific situation or age.
For example, a preschooler should be given the opportunity to make a few choices. Your preschooler can decide what he wants to wear to school, or choose between eating Brussels sprouts or spinach, playing outside or putting a puzzle together.
If you find that your child is not interested in making their own choices, this is a cue that for you to urge them to practice. Decisions will need to be made throughout life and the sooner children learn to do so, the less anxiety they might experience.
Children who lack self-confidence often leave the decision making to someone else. If you sense this about your child, find opportunities to gently encourage practice. For instance, maybe your daughter loves books but a trip to the bookstore results in her stressing out because she can’t make a decision and wants you to decide for her. This is the perfect time to explain to her the importance of being able to make decisions on her own. The next step is to ask her if she were at the bookstore without you, which book would she choose. The gentle guidance will provide a beneficial teaching moment.
No one can make the right decision every time, so when your child makes a bad decision, offer support and help them find ways to correct the problem. Also, if your child is struggling with a decision, explain the usefulness of researching options and writing down the pros and cons of choice A versus choice B. If they choose to be lazy in their efforts prior to making a decision, they may learn a valuable life lesson.
One of the most difficult parts of watching kids make choices is observing them picking the opposite of what you would. However, an important part of the process is accepting and respecting their decision. It is much easier for children to learn to make choices and suffer the consequences of bad ones while they still have you around to protect them.
Thought Starters:
- Establishing Age-Appropriate Choice Parameters: Reflect on how you can set appropriate parameters within which your child can make choices, considering their age and the specific situation. Think about simple decisions they can handle, like choosing their clothes or selecting between two foods.
- Encouraging Decision-Making in Reluctant Children: Consider ways to gently encourage your child to make choices, especially if they seem hesitant or lack confidence in decision-making. Contemplate how to create low-risk situations where they can practice this skill.
- Guiding Children Through the Process of Making Choices: Think about how you can guide your child in making decisions when they feel overwhelmed or stressed, such as discussing options and helping them understand the importance of making their own choices.
- Supporting Children Through the Consequences of Their Decisions: Reflect on how to offer support and guidance when your child makes a poor decision. Contemplate teaching them how to evaluate their choices by researching options and considering the pros and cons.
- Respecting and Accepting Your Child’s Choices: Ponder on the importance of accepting and respecting your child's decisions, even when they differ from what you would choose. Consider how allowing them to experience the consequences of their choices is crucial for their learning and growth.
Suggested Questions To Ask Your Child:
- What would you like to wear today?
This question allows the child to make a simple, everyday choice about their attire, fitting within the parameters of appropriate choices for their age as mentioned in the article. It’s a low-stakes decision that helps build decision-making skills.
- Would you prefer [Option A] or [Option B] for your snack/lunch?
Offering a choice between two options for a meal allows the child to practice decision-making in a controlled, age-appropriate manner, as suggested in the article. It gives them a sense of autonomy within the parent's set parameters.
- If you were at the bookstore alone, which book would you choose?
This question, similar to the scenario in the article, encourages the child to think independently and make a choice in a hypothetical situation. It’s a way to guide them in decision-making without the pressure of an immediate decision.
- What do you think are the pros and cons of each choice?
Asking the child to weigh the pros and cons of different options teaches them to evaluate their choices more carefully, as the article suggests. It’s useful for more complex decisions and helps develop critical thinking skills.
- How do you feel about your decision?
This question encourages the child to reflect on their feelings about a decision they made, supporting the article's idea of helping children learn from their choices. It’s important for understanding the emotional aspect of decision-making and its consequences.
