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Do you remember the first time your toddler said “no” to you? It can be a bit unsettling when that sweet, chubby-cheeked critter suddenly defies you. No one likes hearing “no” including your now “no”-shouting child. But the “no” phase doesn’t have to be a constant battle.
Most first-time parents aren’t sure how to jump the hurdle of handling “no” without ignoring limits. “It’s bedtime.” “NO!” “Okay, stay up, sweetie.” If we did that, we’d be in for it. You can’t say “no” all the time but you can’t say “yes” all the time either. So where does that leave you?
It’s time to find out how to handle that “no” and ride this wave of chaos while encouraging your child’s growing independence in a positive way. Here’s how!
- It’s not personal
The biggest mistake parents make when toddlers get into the “no” phase is to take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. Your child is allowed to have a different point of view than you. They’re just not developed enough yet to articulate it more than by shouting “no” at you.
- Hear them out
Whatever your child is saying “no” to, let them know you’ve heard them. Many times, this is all it takes to stop the defiance. Our kids just want to know we’re listening and that they matter. Acknowledge the “no” calmly and chances are, the behavior will abate.
- Tune into their reasoning
Your child told you “no” to a bath because they wanted to keep playing. Make a suggestion that appeases you both. For example, allow them to take their toys into the tub with them, assuming their waterproof. Turning the negative into a positive will get you the good behavior you desire.
- Trot out the choice
One of the biggest reasons little ones say “no” is because they want power. We tell them what to eat, when to sleep, what to wear, and all kinds of things all day every day. So giving them a choice between 2 reasonable options is a brilliant plan because it makes them feel like they’re in control. A key word to use in this is “may” as in, “You may choose between bubbles or a bath bomb. Which would you like for your bath?” That little bit of control is everything for turning the situation around.
- Don’t forget your sense of humor
While laughing at your kids when they’re throwing the “no” your way is a recipe for disaster, adding some silliness to working around the situation might just be all you need to diffuse things. They don’t want to get dressed so you try to put their clothes on, putting tiny pants on your head like a hat. No kid can resist a goof!
Plus, that builds your connection which is key. They’re much more likely to chill out with the “no” when they feel like you’re listening and they’ve got a bit of a say in what happens in their lives. Try it from this angle and you’re hear more “yes.”
Thought Starters:
- Understanding the Child’s Perspective: Reflect on the importance of not taking your child’s "no" phase personally. Consider how recognizing this as a normal developmental phase can help you respond more empathetically and constructively.
- Listening and Acknowledging Their Feelings: Think about how simply acknowledging your child's feelings and opinions when they say "no" can be an effective way to reduce defiance. Contemplate ways to show your child that they are heard and that their perspective matters.
- Finding Compromise Through Creative Solutions: Consider how you can tune into your child's reasoning behind saying "no" and come up with solutions that satisfy both of you. Reflect on creative ways to turn a negative situation into a positive one, such as allowing toys in the bathtub to make bath time more appealing.
- Empowering Your Child with Choices: Ponder how offering choices between two reasonable options can give your child a sense of control and reduce the need for defiance. Think about different scenarios where this strategy could be effectively implemented.
- Using Humor to Diffuse Tension: Reflect on how using humor and silliness can help defuse tense situations and build a stronger connection with your child. Consider situations where a light-hearted approach could be more effective than a direct confrontation.
Suggested Questions To Ask Your Child:
- How do you feel about [the activity or decision in question]?
This question is about acknowledging the child's feelings and showing that the parent is listening, as suggested in the article. It allows the child to express their viewpoint and feel heard, which can reduce defiance.
- Would you like to [Option A] or [Option B] during your bath time?
Offering a choice between two reasonable options, such as choosing bath toys or a bath bomb, empowers the child to make a decision and feel in control. This approach aligns with the article's advice on giving children a sense of power by letting them make choices.
- Can you think of a fun way we could get dressed this morning?
This question encourages the child to participate in a typically mundane activity in a fun and creative way, using humor and silliness to diffuse resistance, as the article suggests.
- What would you do if you were at the store and had to choose a book by yourself?
This question helps the child practice decision-making in a hypothetical scenario, promoting independence and problem-solving skills. It aligns with the article's theme of encouraging children to make their own choices.
- If we have to stop playing and start getting ready for bed, what could we do to make it more fun?
Asking for the child's input on how to transition from playtime to bedtime in a fun way encourages collaboration and helps the child feel involved in the decision-making process, as recommended in the article.
