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We often hear about boundaries a lot and parents define what the term means within their personal family dynamic. Some parents set tight boundaries while other parents are permissive and enforce very few boundaries, but kids need boundaries. Not only do boundaries enable kids to feel safe and learn respect and self-control, they’re healthy for parents too.
Kids constantly test limits as they explore, some of which can lead to unsafe or rude behaviors, ultimately sending your emotions on an upsurge in an effort to protect them. If the incident causes you too much of a fear response, your adrenaline will go into overdrive, which could result in a rash, thoughtless response. However, limits and boundaries can prevent an undesirable scenario.
Here are 8 tips for setting boundaries and enforcing them.
#1 Plan in advance. Consider the occasions that cause the most stress whether it is shopping, meals, bed or bath time and plan in advance how you’ll handle issues in the future. Get a step ahead of your child and set limits and consequences that will prevent the unpleasant recurrences. Initially, it will require more effort on your part, however, the outcome will be much more tolerable for everyone.
#2 Communicate clearly. Avoid using vague directives or weak language when correcting your child like, “I prefer you not do that, ok.” Clearly communicate your expectations as well as the consequences of crossing a boundary.
#3 Be mindful of your stance. Your body language and facial expression are just as important as what you’re saying. When communicating limits with your child, it’s more productive to kneel down and make eye contact versus towering over him.
#4 Use a firm yet kind voice. Speaking loudly and harshly can cause your child to over react or become fearful. Reserve the yelling for true emergencies. You want to strengthen the connection with your child rather than damage it.
#5 Anticipate pushback. The limits you set depend on your tolerance level. During the initial planning stages, contemplate possible reactions from your child in response to the new boundaries. Based on your own bounds, leave room to help your child work through the various emotions and know how you’ll respond.
It is entirely unrealistic to except full compliance when you say “No.” However, with routinely sticking to your limits and being patient in the process, your child will eventually learn and accept it
#6 Remain decisive, even when you change the rules. Maintain confidence in your decision. That doesn’t mean you can’t change the rules later on, but having self-assurance when enforcing boundaries is crucial. Don’t by wishy-washy. For example perhaps you can’t decide if you’ll tolerate your son playing the drums in his room or not, so no boundary has been set. So, what happens is on Friday, you’re relaxed and in a good mood so you permit him to play, but on Monday, the weekend sped by too quickly and you have a headache so when he begins drumming out a tune you yell at him. It is vital to decide whether or not you’ll permit it, even if you choose certain days or times of the week. This offers consistency and clear boundaries to follow.
#7 Explain the limit once. Understanding the “why” is helpful for most of us, including kids so explain the reasons for your limits, but avoid repeating yourself. Not only will this irritate you but it will divert your attention from enforcing it.
#8 Make it fun. Setting limits are a good thing and they certainly shouldn’t take the fun out of life. Sharing your expectations with kids can be accomplished in a light hearted way, whether that is animating puppets or even a spoon, using a British voice, or turning it into a song. Making it fun and informative will be much more successful and rewarding versus using bribes or trying to bargain with your child.
Setting boundaries is healthier for everyone and it eliminates knee-jerk reactions that cause harm, fear, or emotional hurt. Define your limits and take a deep breath to re-energize and enforce them. Good luck!
Thought Starters:
- Planning Boundaries for Stressful Situations: Reflect on the situations that typically cause stress in your family dynamics, like meal times or bedtimes. Think about how you can plan boundaries and consequences in advance to manage these situations more effectively.
- Improving Communication for Boundary Setting: Consider how you can communicate boundaries to your child more clearly. Think about the language you use, the tone of your voice, and your body language, ensuring your message is firm yet kind and not overly harsh or intimidating.
- Anticipating and Handling Pushback: Contemplate potential pushback from your child when new boundaries are introduced. Reflect on how you can remain patient and consistent while helping your child navigate through their reactions and emotions regarding these boundaries.
- Being Decisive and Consistent with Rules: Reflect on the importance of being decisive and consistent when setting and enforcing rules. Think about situations where you need to clearly define boundaries, such as playtime or use of electronics, and how to maintain these rules consistently.
- Making Boundary Setting Engaging and Fun: Consider ways to make the process of setting and enforcing boundaries fun and engaging for your child. Think about creative approaches, like using puppets, funny voices, or songs, to communicate expectations in a light-hearted yet effective manner.
Suggested Questions To Ask Your Child:
- What do you think about having [specific time or rule] for [activity, e.g., screen time, bedtime]?
This question involves the child in the process of setting boundaries, as suggested in the article. It allows the child to feel heard and understand the reason behind the boundaries, making them more likely to comply.
- How do you feel when I say no to something you want to do, and what can I do to help you understand why?
Asking this question helps the parent understand the child’s perspective on receiving a 'no' and offers an opportunity to explain the rationale behind the decision. This aligns with the article’s advice on clear communication and understanding the child's reactions.
- Can you think of a fun way we could remind ourselves about our new rule for [specific activity]?
This question encourages the child to participate in making boundary-setting fun and engaging, as mentioned in the article. It makes the child an active participant in the process and can help them better remember and adhere to the new rules.
- If you had to choose between [Option A] and [Option B] for [a specific situation], which would you prefer?
Offering choices within set boundaries, as recommended in the article, empowers the child and provides them with a sense of control. This question allows the child to make a decision within the parent's parameters.
- Do you understand why we have this rule for [specific situation], and is there anything you’d like to ask about it?
This question ensures that the child understands the boundaries set by the parent and offers an opportunity for the child to seek clarification. It is in line with the article's emphasis on clear communication and helping the child understand the reasons behind the rules.
