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Sibling rivalry - the teasing, tattling, bickering, and competing for attention that exists with it can cause parents to feel exhausted, sad, helpless, and maybe on occasion entertained. Parents encourage children to get along and strive to create a household that is full of warmth, mutual support, and full of harmony. They dream of watching their children grow up together and develop close relationships that will last a lifetime.
Although most parents experienced sibling rivalry themselves, they want better for their own little ones, remembering how hurtful and frustrating their personal encounters sometimes were.
Oftentimes, parents worry that their children will experience lasting effects, which include a lack of empathy, physical or emotional injury, or poor self-esteem. But, sibling rivalry is something that has occurred since families have been in existence. From biblical accounts to fairy tales, it is a reality that is rather common among brothers and sisters. So, while it may not be avoidable, there are ways to make it easier on you and healthier for your kids.
Sibling rivalry comes in different forms and can be caused by many factors including age, gender, birth order, family size, and individual personalities. As your children grow, their interactions with one another will change too, hopefully with sibling rivalry disappearing. But until then, here are helpful suggestions to improve the relationships of your children.
When the fighting begins, avoid immediate intervention and give them an opportunity to work it out for themselves. If you always step in, you risk coming across as showing favoritism for one child, which can cause resentment, or your children will expect you to resolve their issues for them.
However, if physical contact, harm, or name-calling develops, you should step in. Separate the children until they calm down before discussing the rules of respect and acceptable behavior. Rather than discussing who started it, do your best to focus on resolving the issue, so the conflict doesn’t recur.
Listen to your children and offer them individual attention. Sometimes sibling rivalry is spurred by jealousy or competition. When children aren’t feeling ignored or starved for snuggles and attention, they’ll naturally be more calm, self-assured, and better equipped to get along.
Establish rules for the family that set clear boundaries for resolving problems in a respectful and calm manner. Here are a few examples:
- Respect Others Property: We do not use or take anything that doesn’t belong to us without first asking the owner.
- Tattling: No tattling on siblings to get them in trouble. Telling is acceptable, if you’re keeping your sibling from danger.
- Family Values: We talk and treat one another with respect.
- Handling Angry Emotions: Never cause physical hurt to anyone and use words that express your feelings, not words that hurt others feelings.
If specific items are causing sibling rivalry, remove it until the children calm down. Perhaps it is a favorite toy for both children, in which case you could create a game for sharing the toy.
Resolving sibling rivalry doesn’t happen through long conversations about an incident. Once rules and boundaries are established and explained, and consequences are understood, there’s no need for further discussion.
It’s natural for siblings to argue. Using it as an opportunity to teach important characteristics will help them solve problems when they’re out on their own and it will lay the foundation for strong relationships with siblings, friends, and other family members.
Thought Starters:
- Encourage Independent Conflict Resolution: Allow children to try resolving their conflicts without immediate parental intervention, teaching them problem-solving skills.
- Intervene in Harmful Situations: Step in when conflicts escalate to physical harm or hurtful language, enforcing rules of respect and acceptable behavior.
- Provide Individual Attention: Address potential jealousy or competition by giving each child equal and individualized attention.
- Establish Clear Family Rules: Set family rules that emphasize respect for each other's property, discourage tattling, and promote respectful communication.
- Use Conflict as a Teaching Opportunity: Utilize sibling rivalry incidents as chances to teach children about problem-solving, respect, and building strong relationships.
Suggested Questions To Ask Your Child:
- How do you feel when you and your sibling argue?
This question can help a child articulate their emotions during conflicts, fostering self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
- Can you think of a way to resolve this disagreement on your own?
Encourages independent problem-solving and conflict resolution skills, allowing children to develop autonomy.
- What are some rules we should follow when we disagree?
This question involves children in setting family norms and understanding the importance of respectful behavior.
- What do you need from me when you're feeling upset with your sibling?
Aims to understand each child's individual needs for support and attention, helping to reduce feelings of jealousy or neglect.
- How can we make sure everyone's belongings are respected?
Focuses on teaching respect for personal property, an often common trigger for sibling disputes.
