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While every parent wants their child to succeed--in school, in hobbies, and in life--there is a fine line between encouraging and pressuring a child to do something.
Distinguishing between the two is essential in creating a supportive environment for your child. And, while important in every household, praise is something that can be especially critical if your child has a learning or behavior disorder.
The fact is, there are different types of praise. Praising your child for a good grade can be very positive. But, even more powerful is praising your child before their report card comes in. Praising them for their good behavior, hard work, and dedication a daily basis can be the deciding factor in whether or not a child has confidence in their performance.
Praise also goes far beyond your child’s academic performance. In fact, you should work to praise your child for all of their efforts, whether they are educational, creative, or in some other realm entirely. Experts actually emphasize the importance of praising your child for the things they try to do, and not so much the things they naturally are able to do.
If you are looking for an effective way to utilize praise in your parenting style, here’s a brief overview of the two types of praise you can give your children.
Personal Praise
The first type of praise is personal praise. This is the praise that revolves around your child’s natural abilities. The talents she was born with or her general intelligence fall into this category. If you are trying to express affection towards your child, you will probably reach for personal praise.
It’s not a bad thing, but it cannot be the only type of praise you provide. You should also be careful about using this type of praise often. Complementing your child frequently on the things that come easy to them, and then infrequently (or never) complementing them on the things they are working towards can actually end up undermining their confidence. The child may begin to feel unable or unwilling to try things that don’t come easy to them.
Effort-Based Praise
With the above things in mind, what’s even more important than personal praise is effort-based praise. This is when you praise your child for working towards something that is likely not so natural to them. For instance, if your child is working to improve their math performance, you should praise them for that heavily.
By doing so, you are helping your child realize that they can expand their potential by putting in the work to do so. It’s teaching them that, if they put their mind to something, they can accomplish it.
To practically implement this advice, try parenting with less “Oh, you’re so good at singing,” and more “I am so impressed by your math skills!” Just this simple switch in the way you express your pride and support to your children can make the difference between them limiting their own growth or realizing their full potential.
Thought Starters:
- Identify Effort-Worthy Actions: Reflect on your child's current efforts and achievements. Consider what specific actions or activities they are working hard on, whether it's schoolwork, a hobby, or personal growth.
- Shift Focus to Effort: When praising your child, think about how you can shift your focus from innate abilities to their dedication and hard work. Ask yourself, "What effort did they put into this?" rather than just complimenting their natural talents.
- Be Specific in Your Praise: Instead of vague compliments, think about how you can provide specific praise that acknowledges their efforts. For instance, rather than saying, "You're so smart," you might say, "I'm proud of how you've been studying and improving your math skills."
- Encourage Goal Setting: Consider discussing goals with your child and ask them about their aspirations. This can open up conversations about the effort required to achieve those goals and provide opportunities for praising their commitment to personal growth.
- Observe Their Interests and Progress: Pay attention to your child's interests and the areas where they are making progress. This can help you identify areas where effort-based praise is most needed and effective.
Suggested Questions To Ask Your Child:
- What have you been working hard on recently that you feel proud of?
This question encourages the child to reflect on their recent efforts and achievements, opening the door for the parent to provide specific praise and positive reinforcement.
- Can you tell me about a time when you faced a challenge and worked really hard to overcome it?
By asking about challenges and efforts, this question promotes a discussion about resilience and determination, reinforcing the idea that effort is essential for growth.
- What are some goals or dreams you have for the future, and how do you think you can work towards them?
This question encourages the child to think about their aspirations and the steps needed to achieve them, emphasizing the importance of effort and dedication in reaching their goals.
- How do you feel when someone acknowledges your hard work and effort?
This question helps the parent gauge the child's emotional response to praise and provides an opportunity to discuss the positive impact of recognizing their efforts.
- Is there something you'd like to learn or get better at, and how can I support you in your journey?
This question encourages the child to express their interests and goals, and it reinforces the parent's willingness to provide assistance and encouragement in their efforts.
