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Emotional self-regulation is the difference between how a five-year- old resorts to quietly pouting when she doesn’t get her way versus the two-year-old who throws a temper tantrum. Teaching your children to develop self-regulation skills will help them resist the temptation to respond inappropriately in situations that may upset them.
What Is Self-Regulation
Self-regulation is about learning to understand emotions and controlling your responses and feelings and having the ability to calm yourself in a situation. Children as young as 12 months of age are able to develop the skills of self-regulation and when you’re there to guide them, their abilities will improve.
Why Some Kids Struggle with Self-Regulation
Problems associated with self-regulation are based on personality and temperament. This is why some kids have the unexpected outbursts while others have a degree of tolerance before they break. Psychologist, Dr. Matthew Rouse works at the Child Mind Institute and he explains that some kids “can’t inhibit that immediate behavior response.”
Kids that struggle oftentimes find it more difficult learning how to control emotions and reactions even as they get older. In addition to an individual’s temperament and personality traits, the environment and reactions from others are important too.
When a child experiences an outburst and the parent responds by calming the child and offering, the child has no desire to develop self-discipline. In fact, if the scenario repeats itself too often the parents become external self-regulators and a bad habit is formed.
Children suffering from anxiety or the challenges of ADHD often have more difficulty in learning self-regulation, but everyone can learn with a little help.
How to Help Your Child Learn Self-Regulation Skills
“Practice makes perfect,” and is definitely true in learning how to control emotions. Rather than avoiding situations that prompt the outburst, it is better to offer guidance through the process.
- Help your child focus on the end result. Learning to control impulses is the ultimate goal; so if your child tends to take toys away from others, explain to him that is not how we treat friends. If your child has a tantrum in a store, try a few practice runs. Taking a short trip to the store and calmly walking through and discussing the appropriate ways to act will help him learn the right way.
- Use natural situations. Look for teachable moments in day-to-day situations. For instance, taking turns with a popular toy, raising a hand and being called on before blurting out a thought, or waiting for a special treat. If he struggles to be patient, then use a timer, which will offer a visual cue of how long they need to practice self-control in a specific situation.
- Acknowledge that you understand. Letting your child know you understand how difficult it is to be patient, respond in an appropriate way even when you don’t feel like it, or practice self-control is not always easy or fun. This effort will prevent him from feeling lonely and help him learn to regulate.
This process is known as scaffolding, taking it a step at a time and working through each situation together. While it may require extra time and patience on your part, you will be helping your child develop an important skill that he will use his entire life.
Thought Starters:
- Reflecting on Your Child’s Temperament: Consider how your child's unique personality and temperament might influence their ability to regulate emotions. Think about how these individual traits can be acknowledged and supported in the process of learning self-regulation.
- Evaluating Parental Responses to Outbursts: Reflect on how you respond when your child experiences an emotional outburst. Are there ways you might inadvertently be serving as an external regulator, and how can you shift to supporting your child’s development of self-regulation?
- Identifying Natural Teaching Moments: Look for day-to-day situations that can be used as opportunities to teach and practice self-regulation skills, like sharing toys or waiting patiently for something.
- Considering Practice and Scaffolding Techniques: Think about how you can create practice scenarios for your child to learn self-regulation, such as short trips to the store. Contemplate how you can scaffold these learning experiences, breaking them down into manageable steps.
- Understanding the Role of Empathy in Teaching Self-Regulation: Reflect on the importance of acknowledging and empathizing with your child’s feelings as they learn to regulate their emotions. Consider how showing understanding can make them feel supported and less alone in this learning process.
Suggested Questions To Ask Your Child:
- Can you tell me how you're feeling right now?
This question encourages the child to identify and articulate their emotions, a key step in emotional self-regulation. It aligns with the article’s emphasis on understanding emotions as the foundation of self-regulation.
- What do you think might help you feel better when you’re upset?
This question helps the child to think about and communicate strategies that might aid in calming themselves down, promoting the development of self-regulation skills as suggested in the article.
- How can we work together when you're feeling impatient or upset?
This question focuses on collaborative problem-solving, in line with the article’s suggestion of using scaffolding techniques. It invites the child to consider how they can partner with their parent to manage their emotions more effectively.
- What are some things that make you feel really happy or calm?
By identifying things that positively affect their emotions, the child can become more aware of how to self-soothe and regulate their emotions, a concept that is central to the article’s guidance on teaching self-regulation.
- Do you remember a time when you felt proud of handling a tough situation well?
This question helps the child reflect on past successes in emotional regulation, reinforcing the learning process and building confidence in their ability to manage emotions, as per the strategies discussed in the article.
