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Having children comes with great rewards as well as frustrations. No matter how much we love our kids, there are times when parenting simply is not fun, such as when they don’t meet our expectations. But what if those expectations are unrealistic?
In a study conducted by the Bezos Family Foundation in conjunction with the Zero to Three Organization, much of what parents expect from kids is not comparable to their abilities and developmental stages, according to the experts. This ultimately results in children frequently being reprimanded too often and parents being irritated by the incident.
Below are signs that you may expect too much of your kids:
Controlling Impulses: Research indicates that children ages 3 and younger lack the developmental skills to control impulses. These impulses can make the child appear defiant, when in all honesty they can’t help themselves. Sadly, more than 50% of parents expect their two and three year old toddlers to be obedient, and when they’re not, they are punished for their actions. It’s not until children are 3.5 to 4 years old that they gain control over impulses, but consistency with control doesn’t occur until they are older.
Sharing: Sharing is definitely a good skill to have and preschool teachers as well as parents often expect children under the age of 4 to take turns and share toys. Adults attempt to teach kids by using a timer to signal it’s time to share and when a child isn’t obedient, the result is a time out, or removal of the toy. 43% of parents expect children to share before they are two years old and when they don’t, it is perceived as selfishness, but the reality is that developing this skill does not begin until age 3 or later.
Recognize Developmental Stages: Every child is unique and so is the pace at which they develop. Regardless of how unconsciously you place expectations on your children, recognize the importance of not comparing. Avoid the temptation to compare siblings and even same-aged classmates. Be patient with your children and observe their strengths while determining what motivates particular behaviors. While timetables of developmental skills provide beneficial information, it is merely a guideline.
Most parents are merely striving to be the best they can possibly be while teaching their children important lessons. During the study mentioned previously 91% of parents viewed their children as the greatest joys of their lives and sought to improve their own skills and become better parents.
Thought Starters:
- Reevaluating Expectations on Impulse Control: Reflect on whether your expectations for your child’s ability to control impulses, especially if they are under 3.5 to 4 years old, are aligned with their developmental stage. Consider how this understanding could change your approach to discipline and expectations.
- Understanding the Developmental Timeline for Sharing: Think about your expectations for your child’s sharing abilities. If your child is under the age of 3, consider that they might still be in the early stages of developing this skill, and how this insight might influence your reactions to their behavior.
- Recognizing Individual Developmental Paths: Assess how you view your child’s development in comparison to others, such as siblings or classmates. This involves understanding and appreciating that each child develops at their own pace and that developmental guidelines are just that—guidelines, not strict rules.
- Balancing Parental Aspirations with Child Capabilities: Reflect on how your desire to be the best parent possible might inadvertently lead to setting expectations that don’t align with your child’s current developmental abilities. Think about ways to balance these aspirations with a realistic understanding of your child’s capabilities.
- Fostering Patience and Observation: Contemplate ways to cultivate patience and keen observation of your child’s unique strengths and motivators, which can help in understanding their behavior and needs more accurately.
Suggested Questions To Ask Your Child:
- Can you tell me about a time today when you felt really proud of what you did?
This question encourages the child to focus on their efforts and achievements, regardless of whether they met the parent's expectations or not. It aligns with the article’s emphasis on appreciating children's developmental stages and their unique accomplishments.
- What are some things you like to do by yourself, and what do you need help with?
This question helps parents understand their child's current capabilities and areas where they may still be developing. It reflects the article’s point about recognizing the individual developmental stages of each child.
- How do you feel when we play games or do activities together?
This question can give insights into how the child perceives shared activities, including their comfort with sharing and turn-taking, which are developmental milestones mentioned in the article.
- What makes you feel happy and confident when you're at home or school?
Asking about what makes the child feel confident can help parents gauge their child's self-esteem and how it relates to meeting or not meeting expectations. This is in line with the article’s focus on understanding children's emotional and developmental stages.
- Do you ever feel worried about doing things 'right' or 'perfect'?
This question addresses the potential pressure children might feel from unrealistic parental expectations. It relates to the article's theme of ensuring expectations are aligned with a child's actual developmental abilities.
